'A' is for APPROVED!!!!

I'm approved!!! WHUT WHUT!!! I am officially insurance approved!

Since I have to come up with an additional $3,500 my date isn't until 1/22/09, but hey it's a friggin date!

WOO HOOO ME!!!! They just submitted on like Thursday and my insurance called them today!!!!!!!

I saw the doctors number on my caller ID and thought "Oh geez, something was missing somewhere and they're calling to get some info from me". Nope. It was the call that all lap band pre ops just pray for.

Yay me!

Oh and.... I've been soda free for 9 days now.

The screeching halt....

Things have had such momentum lately, it seems like. Until today when my whole journey came to a temporary screeching halt. I'll copy and paste my gripe from the LBT forums to save time...

I know no one really wants to hear a cry baby, but I need to vent.

So, in the beginning when I was filling out my 800 page application (after the seminar) one of the requirements was to call my insurance and get my benefits details.

Apparently I spoke with the village idiot. She told me that my bariatric deductible was $1,500 and I was responsible for 20% of everything after that UP TO my $2,000 annual MAX out of pocket. So.... here I've been thinking I only needed $2,000 for months now.

Well things are getting close to wrapping up and I was talking to one of the nurses at the surgeons office, just making sure I understood the financial part completely. She said that didn't sound right and it looked like my expense was going to be $3,500. The $2,000 was ONLY for my 20% and the $1,500 would be ON TOP OF that amount... so $3,500 total.

I just called to verify and she's right.

Holy effin cow. It just seems like one thing after another, as if God just really doesn't want me to have this surgery. I was SO FRIGGIN CLOSE. Everything was about to be submitted (and will still be submitted) and I would have a date soon! Now I have to magically come up with another $1,500!!! Not flippin possible.

I applied for financing.... got denied.

It'll just have to wait EVEN LONGER. My hubby gets a student loan check in late Dec/Early Jan and we'll use that.... but no one seems to understand how it feels to have to wait EVEN LONGER!!! I've been working on this crap since JULY!! I started researching in MARCH and decided to start looking at doctors in JUNE!!! So I've already been hoping and dreaming for so flippin long. Now I have to wait even longer.

I seriously just want to go home from work right now. I've been crying half the morning. No one understands how emotional this whole process is... or the sense of desperation and feeling of hopelessness.

Soooooo.....

This really friggin sucks. I know I'll be able to get the money, but surgery will have to be put off 'til January. I am not one to borrow money from people, EVER, or take "donations".... but there are a few people I might want to take up on there offers at this point. I'm just disgusted, hurt, angry, sad...... I really just want to go home and sulk. I've been crying for about an hour now.... in my cubicle... how embarassing. I can't help it. I've talked to my mom and hubby, and both times I just balled. This whole process has been so fucking emotional. I am not a big cry baby. I rarely cry. But God, I've never cried so much in a 3 month period in my life. Three months.... that's how long I've really been digging into the process. Usually it takes people three months from the time they go to the seminar to the time they have surgery. Me? No.

Every time I turn around something is going wrong. Hubby and I took forever to write our stupid letters of understanding because neither of us ever have time to sit down and do anything together. I had to reschedule so friggin many doctors appointments. I wanted to do the letter one night after he got home from school and he didn't want to because he was wore out... what did I do? Cry. Because that was one more day that was holding me back. What did I do when I couldn't find the doctors office to go to my 3 hour class, and had to call them and they told me it was too late and I'd have to reschedule? Cried.... right there at the payphone in a gas station parking lot. What did I do when Dr. Walfish told me I would have to RETAKE my psych eval?? Cry... because that was another week that would be holding me up from getting things submitted. What did I do when I had to reschedule my nutritionist appt because my fucking car was messed up and I couldn't afford to miss the time from work? Cry.

So many emotions are tied into this surgery. No one.... NO ONE (except other people in my shoes) understand what I'm going through.... what an emotional mess I am. And in the mix I'm expected to quit smoking, quit eating foods I love, quit drinking caffeine, quit drinking soda.... completely change my life. I'm fine with all of the life changes, but holy shit if one more thing holds me back from having this surgery I just might lose it. I am not an emotional person... but I want this so friggin bad. I have spent 5 years overweight, two morbidly obese. I have tried to lose weight more times than I can count and the weight just DOES NOT budge. I feel hopeless, helpless, and desperate. It's like a drug addict who wants to recover so badly but just can't get the help they need. I want to lose this weight. I fucking hate it. I hate the way I look. I have never been so fat in my whole fucking life. I'm sick of not having clothes that fit right. I'm sick of being ostrasized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of not being physically able to do things I used to could do. I'm just SO FUCKING OVER IT.

Sorry for the language.... but this is the cold hard truth of the matter.... the ugly, if you will.

I thought I was only a few weeks away from being banded..... now I'm back at being a few months away.

I'm done bitching now............... well, here, at least.

I will <<<>>>.............

I am starting out slow.... here are the first things I need to achieve.....

I will.....

NOT keep spending as if money were no object!
NOT eat fast food
ONLY dine out if it is a social gathering
NOT dine out because I just feel like it
NOT dine out/eat fast food because I don't "feel like" cooking dinner
make sure to keep things to cook for breakfast, lunch, and dinner in stock at home
pack mine and Matt's HEALTHY lunch every evening
NOT drink soda of any kind
exercise at least twice a week for 15 minutes

Those are my short term vices that I desperately need to get past.

Here are some I plan to work on in the future, but I'm starting with baby steps......

I will.....

NOT drink energy drinks (carbonated or otherwise)
Only drink 1 caffeinated beverage per day
use only whole grain breads, pastas, etc.
exercise three times a week for 20 minutes
NOT take a frozen lean cuisine, etc. for lunch more than twice a week
eat fruit and veggies every day
drink 2L of water a day
pick everyones clothes out the night before

This is kindof a 'to be continued' as I'm sure I'll think of more things I want to accomplish.

The life of a college student's wife.....

This is all such a very emotional process for me. I’m letting go of one part of my life and opening an entirely new part. A new chapter. I’m becoming a completely different person. I’ve been very emotional lately. Very emotional. Not a cry baby, just lots of inter-personal thinking and getting in touch with ME.

Just to release a little negative energy, I’m going to express something here that I usually keep my mouth shut about. My husband is a college student. He’ll be taking his LAST class next summer. I can’t friggin wait. Being the wife of a college student it much harder than it sounds on so many levels. It’s more than just having to pick up all of the household responsibilities. It’s having to basically be completely independent from him. Right now, he has a tremendous burden to bear. This has not been easy for him either. It’s not like he is perfectly satisfied with his life either. He doesn’t get to spend time with his daughter and wife, he has a lot of pressure on him to make good grades, and all the while he still has to work full time and somewhere in the mix try to squeeze in family time. It is NOT easy for either of us. Our routine for the last… oh… three years… has been fine. I’ve been a “big girl” and a good wife and just done what needs to be done, kept my emotional baggage to myself (as to not put more on his back), kept my mouth shut when I really just wanted to explode, dealt with not having as much (or sometimes any) attention, found other ways and things to divert my attention (ahem, sewing like it’s going out of style), other things that give me personal satisfaction (and I’m not talking about masturbation lol). I’ve learned to deal with things on my own. I’ve learned to fix things. It’s basically like I have a part time husband. I don’t blame him, I am not mad at him, I am not jealous. But God I can’t wait for him to be DONE. It’s fucking HARD. Especially lately.

I have all of this emotional stuff going on in my head, and no one to let it all out to. No one understands me like he does. I can’t talk to anyone else in the world the way I can talk to him. But trying to find time to actually TALK is hard. I need his support. I need him to be there for me. But he has other obligations that often have to come first. My issues are, unfortunately, lower on the priority list… and not because he wants them to be or because he thinks little of them…. but because there simply is no other option. I asked that he come with me to one… ANY one… of my pre op appointments. There are like 50 of them. He couldn’t come to any of them. We’ve intended to sit down and write our letters of understanding together for weeks, and yet here it is the last thing I have to complete before everything is submitted to my insurance company. I have had to reschedule appointments 3-4 times for having to arrange everything on when I can get a babysitter, because he is too tied up with school and work to pick our daughter up from school. I wanted him to come with me to the seminar…. He couldn’t.

My point is this…. Right now, I technically have a support partner, but not really. And I am not even mad at him for it. I just wish I had someone.

God…. Being the wife to a college student sucks. I’ve been planning on going to college Fall 2009…. I decided I’m not going to go until later. I want to live a normal life for a little while. I want things to go back to the way they used to be.

Emotions

A lot of emotions are coming through today. Since I don't get periods I can't really blame it on being menstural. I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen to me mentally. I know that I have some control issues, and thanks to the psych I now know I'm "borderline" bipolar (we'll blame the "borderline" part on the fact that yeah, I did lie on the test the second time... not as much but some). I get obsessive about things. I'm not as honest as one would hope when it comes to admitting my faults to others (doctors in particular, hence why I had to retake my psych eval). I over or under exaggerate things.... often without even realizing it without someone really pointing it out to me. I'm just afraid of what might happen to me. What if I spiral into anorexia? Their are a million what-ifs, some much to personal to admit to. I want to find something to help me deal with these things... something to mentally prepare me more for the changes that are going to take place. I just don't know where to start. I don't know what to look for.

Anyone want to offer up some advice?

Body pain

I know I already posted once today... but I'm just feeling like shit and want to document it. It's kindof hard to admit, because people I know read this, but oh well.

One of the things I will be SOOO glad to be rid of is body pain. Weight HURTS. It's not just a matter of how I look, my self esteem, etc.... I friggin hurt. Right now my back hurts, my front lower rib area hurts, and one of my shoulders hurt from being slept on funky. I'm not usually in this much pain, but the rib thing and the back thing happen often. I can't wait until I won't have to deal with this on a regular basis.

The 'pictures' tab seems to be clicked a lot... so I figured I'd throw in a few more...

Mothers day 2006 (after I successfully lost about 20 pounds)

Vacation 2006

New years 2006-into 2007 (that was a fun night)

See how the cheeks got bigger and bigger as the year progressed?

Ugh...

Quitting caffeine is ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!!!!! I went to the nutritionist yesterday, it was pretty much her going over all of the nutrition info the doc gave me in my big lap band user manual. I nearly fell asleep while she was going over everything, and it was just the two of us in the office! I was embarassed, but I couldn't help it. I had already read everything in the manual. Last night I went to bed at 8:30 because I was so tired. I felt like pure CRAP. I mean I felt like I was trying to quit crack or something. I felt shaky but wasn't actually shaking. I had a headache ALL DAY yesterday. I was so friggin tired. Today has been a bit better. I guess it's because I got so much sleep last night. But, ya know, even though I went to bed nearly 3 hours earlier than I usually do, I still had trouble getting out of bed this morning... and I still nodded off at the wheel a couple of times.

So.... the nutritionist... just writing this part for those who are going through the hoops of lap band pre op... my doc gave me a big binder full of info when I went to my 3 hour class. It contained the entire meal plan and tons of eating info. I read all of it within a couple of days after the class. She basically read everything in her section of the manual, elaborated on a few things, and answered my questions. It took about an hour.

I'm kindof irritated right now because things are stalling. I have two things left to do before they will submit to insurance... go to a meeting (one of the post op group meetings), and submit mine and my husbands "letters of understanding"... which is basically a letter covering 6-7 different bullet points making sure we understand everything. I am kicking myself in the head for not going to a meeting already. They have them every Tuesday and every other Saturday. There is no good reason why I haven't gone already. NOW I can't go until 10/7 because K's (my daughter) birthday is the 30th (a tuesday) and her party is the 4th (the following Saturday). They don't have a meeting this Saturday. So yeah... now because of my stalling I have tacked on another week and a half to the wait time. URGH!!!!! I originally wanted to have surgery on 10/16, now it looks like it might be the week after that, or possibly the day before Halloween. Great. But I've thought it over and I'd rather do it then than wait. Hopefully I'll at least be able to get it done the week BEFORE Halloween because one of my BFFs is having an awesome party the weekend after Halloween and I don't want to miss it! On second thought..... if I can't do it on the 23rd, I'll just wait til the week after Halloween. I really don't want to miss taking K trick or treating, and I don't want to miss the party!

I kinda knew all along

Soooooooo....



I went back this morning to retake my psych eval. Here are a few highlights:

1) I don't have to retake it for a third time;

2) The interview portion was about an hour long.

3) The doc approved me and said he would submit his report to the band doc within two weeks but probably much sooner than that.

4) The 370 question book test showed that I'm very stubborn.

5) It also showed that I'm borderline bipolar. And with weight loss comes an increased level of energy and therefore an increased chance of more manic episodes. Remember my last post, how I said I was feeling manic?

Manic

I don't think I'm bipolar in the traditional sense, but I do have manic and depressive phases. I'm usually normal, but sometimes I can go either way. Lately I've been manic. I've been tired and going to bed right on time for several weeks... excessively tired, couldn't keep up with housework, didn't feel like doing anything. Now I'm a bit manic. Everything is clean at home (for a change), I'm staying up waaay later than someone who has to get up at 5:30 ever should. But when I get up in the morning, I'm not tired. I feel jittery.

I guess this is my body preparing for surgery.

I closed my etsy shop so I can completely focus on surgery and Kaytlin's birthday party prep. I have so much to do to prepare for both.

Tomorrow I get to redo my psych eval. Yay... not.

I'm going to start vlogging on youtube. I've really enjoyed watching other people's vlogs, they've been super duper helpful. Who knows, maybe my vlogs will be helpful to others in my situation too. It's different than reading what someone has to say. Watching them, seeing and hearing the emotion on their face and in their voice.

I was working on my OH (www.obesityhelp.com) profile and I came to the personal interest section... you pick your interests from a drop down box and write a description in the box next to it. I came to the 'recreation' section... long list. I don't do any of those things, but I'd like to do a lot of them! So... for the first time in this blog, I'm going to use a very tired, worn out phrase... "When I get thin" I'm going to go kayaking (did it when I was in high school once), ice skating (never done), jet skiing (did it in high school), climb stone mountain without stopping, go snow skiing (never have), and water ski or wakeboard behind a boat (I've tried to wakeboard a zillion times in high school but NEVER could get my ass vertical, and I was pretty fit back then!).

Post-op shopping list:
Gasx strips
heating pad
protein powder
sugar free popsicles
baggy clothing
small pillow for desk
food scale
weight scale (because mine sucks!)
Rapid blast tylenol (liquid)
Broth
Calcium citrate petits supplement
High potency multi vitamin
mylanta
little take and toss kiddie cups (4oz)
soup at hand
jello
pudding
yogurt
salt substitute (sea salt?)

I made myself watch a youtube video of someone getting a fill. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0AY6Ot_pdU&NR=1

I should watch a video of the actual surgery but I don't know if I can handle that.

Until next time blogland....

Being realistic

1) Quitting caffiene cold turkey... not such a good idea. I didn't quit smoking cold turkey, and I'm sure not going to be able to quit caffiene cold turkey. That was a stupid move. The last 24 hours has been hell. I had a headache like you wouldn't believe yesterday... borderline migrane. I took some advil and drank a big coke and felt FAB in like 20 minutes. Then I felt like crap because I failed. New approach - do it like I did smokes... cut back little by little. Goal today - drink my AM joe, have sprite with lunch (carbonated beverages are next on the chopping block), and MAYBE a splash of afternoon coffee.

Now it's time to be real with myself. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism (slow/underactive thyroid). I need to make it clear to myself that the weight may fall right off for some people, but for me it most likely won't. I'm still going to have to work super hard.

And another thing.... Starting my personal (not doctor required) pre-op diet has been super hard because all I can think about is the fact that pretty soon I won't be able to eat the way I do now. It feels like a burden. And it's hard to do because I feel like it's pointless because I don't think I'll lose. That's the shameful thought that rests in the back of my mind... I CANT lose alone.

Just a side note.... all of these appointments are KILLING me! It's like 1786 doctor appointments crammed into a month period. I had my consult last Monday the 8th, the Thursday before then I had the 3 hour class, today I have part 1 of the psych eval, tomorrow I have part 2 of the psych eval, next week I go to the dietician, then at some point I'll have the pre op exam then SURGERY!

I feel like there is so much I need to know and so much I don't know, despite the fact that I have done so much research.

I've been super addicted to watching... well, listening to... youtube videos lately. Very helpful. So far my faves are thebandinme and hholly112002.

Adios caffiene!

Today is the day.

I'm quitting caffiene for good. Wow, those are strong words. This isn't to say that on the rare occasion I might have a little.... but for now, it's goodbye.

Goodbye Starbucks....

Goodbye Coca Cola... my biggest addiction...

We didn't even get a proper good-bye. Gone are the days of the $5 AM caffiene fix, the afternoon cup o' joe, and chugging back a frosty can of the bubbly sugar concouction they call Coca Cola.

Adios.... Good riddiance....

Consult

Here's everything I have left to do before surgery: psych eval, dietician appt, Matt and I have to write our 'Letters of Understanding', and then everything has to be sent to insurance for prior authorization.

The consult went well. I didn't really hear anything I didn't already know from either research or the 3 hour class I took last Thursday. He confirmed that yes I do have to stop drinking carbonated beverages (even diet ones), I do need to cut out caffiene, and I will not be able to drink with meals. Those are the three things that will be super hard to change. I'm going to start working on them now, along with a pre-op diet. I'll likely lose 10-20 lbs in the liquid pre op diet phase, so my goal is to lose 20 total pre op, starting now (well, tomorrow, I need groceries first lol).

I don't think it'll take long to get in for my psych eval/dietician appointment. I'll hopefully be able to start my 2 week liquid diet before everything gets sent to insurance, so I'll be able to get my surgery scheduled sooner... but honestly I'm in no rush. I really want to get it done and all, but I'm not in that big of a hurry. What's waiting another week or two going to hurt? I honestly think they probably won't start me on my 2wk pre op diet until after insurance gives approval, and they'll schedule my surgery for 2 weeks after that.

So hypothetically.... if I get my appointments knocked out in the next 2 weeks, I could be having surgery in just over 4 weeks (insurance already said it takes them about 2 business days to approve).

This week's objectives: Get appointments made, letters written, and start diet! I'll be using the sparkpeople.com plan. I've used it before and IMO it's the best. It's super healthy.

3 Hour Class

I went in for my three hour class today. Very informative. I received a three ring binder filled with stuff I need to read. I also found out that not only will I need to stop drinking sodas (which I already kinda figured... even diet soda), I'll have to cut caffiene out completely. Yay... not.

I go in for my consult Monday the 8th. I'm calling to schedule my dietician appointment today and I'll get my appointment for the psych when I go in on Monday for the consult. Things are really starting gain momentum. I was pleased to find out that I will not have to suffer through another miserable sleep study. YAY!

They took my 'before' picture. Had I known it was picture day I would have done something with my hair lol.

Education today

This afternoon I go to some educational thing... for three hours. Yikes. Tomorrow morning I go for my consult with the doc... that's when it'll all start falling into place (or so I hope). I think after the consult I'll start making appointments with the dietician, psych, pre op exams, etc. Wish me luck!

Let me get you up to speed on things....

What: Lap band surgery....

Who: Yours truely... along with my support team. My support team consists of my husband, mother, friends, family, doctor, and all of you wonderful people in blog land!

When: I'm shooting for sometime in September.

Where: Obesity Solutions... Gainesville Ga.

Why: The short version.... I've tried it all. ALL. You name it. It doesn't work. I'm not getting into details, but I have PCOS and hypothyroidism.... put the two together and you've got the perfect recipe for obesity, weight gain, and inability to lose weight. Yes, I'm on prescriptions for both for quite a while. No, they haven't made weight loss any easier.

Other: I don't need advice on what to do instead of surgery. I've done my research (four months of research to be exact), I've talked to people who have had it, I'm aware of risks/complications, I'm aware of every statistic out there. Trust me, my friends/family don't have me research things for them for nothin'.... I know what I'm doing. No, I don't need the number to your personal trainer.... No, I don't want to come with you to your Weight Watchers meeting... lets see, what else have people suggested instead of surgery. I think you get the picture.... I'm having surgery.

Here's a little progression of my weight (and for some reason the only pictures I have of myself are ones of when we're out with friends... so no, I'm not an alcoholic lol... and no my eyes aren't always so squinty lol:

This is me the summer before I got pregnant with Kaytlin... this was before I lost about 15 pounds because I thought I was fat.

This is me preggo... about 5-6 months... and Matt really should have gotten a hair cut lol

K was about 7 months old...

K was about 2.... wow we just look guilty (I think this was Dustys birthday party or something)

K was about 3.... girls night out

This is me last year (about 4 1/2 years after the first picture). There are no current pictures of me. They do not exist.... So take this and add about 30 pounds and that's how I look now. Oh and blonde hair. Did ya see how the cheeks got bigger and bigger with each picture?

I'm not terribly insecure about my appearance or my weight. I just want the old me back (well... her body... I'm satisfied being an adult lol...

That's it for now... so yeah I'm getting a lap band... this is my journey. I'll write more tomorrow