The screeching halt....

Things have had such momentum lately, it seems like. Until today when my whole journey came to a temporary screeching halt. I'll copy and paste my gripe from the LBT forums to save time...

I know no one really wants to hear a cry baby, but I need to vent.

So, in the beginning when I was filling out my 800 page application (after the seminar) one of the requirements was to call my insurance and get my benefits details.

Apparently I spoke with the village idiot. She told me that my bariatric deductible was $1,500 and I was responsible for 20% of everything after that UP TO my $2,000 annual MAX out of pocket. So.... here I've been thinking I only needed $2,000 for months now.

Well things are getting close to wrapping up and I was talking to one of the nurses at the surgeons office, just making sure I understood the financial part completely. She said that didn't sound right and it looked like my expense was going to be $3,500. The $2,000 was ONLY for my 20% and the $1,500 would be ON TOP OF that amount... so $3,500 total.

I just called to verify and she's right.

Holy effin cow. It just seems like one thing after another, as if God just really doesn't want me to have this surgery. I was SO FRIGGIN CLOSE. Everything was about to be submitted (and will still be submitted) and I would have a date soon! Now I have to magically come up with another $1,500!!! Not flippin possible.

I applied for financing.... got denied.

It'll just have to wait EVEN LONGER. My hubby gets a student loan check in late Dec/Early Jan and we'll use that.... but no one seems to understand how it feels to have to wait EVEN LONGER!!! I've been working on this crap since JULY!! I started researching in MARCH and decided to start looking at doctors in JUNE!!! So I've already been hoping and dreaming for so flippin long. Now I have to wait even longer.

I seriously just want to go home from work right now. I've been crying half the morning. No one understands how emotional this whole process is... or the sense of desperation and feeling of hopelessness.

Soooooo.....

This really friggin sucks. I know I'll be able to get the money, but surgery will have to be put off 'til January. I am not one to borrow money from people, EVER, or take "donations".... but there are a few people I might want to take up on there offers at this point. I'm just disgusted, hurt, angry, sad...... I really just want to go home and sulk. I've been crying for about an hour now.... in my cubicle... how embarassing. I can't help it. I've talked to my mom and hubby, and both times I just balled. This whole process has been so fucking emotional. I am not a big cry baby. I rarely cry. But God, I've never cried so much in a 3 month period in my life. Three months.... that's how long I've really been digging into the process. Usually it takes people three months from the time they go to the seminar to the time they have surgery. Me? No.

Every time I turn around something is going wrong. Hubby and I took forever to write our stupid letters of understanding because neither of us ever have time to sit down and do anything together. I had to reschedule so friggin many doctors appointments. I wanted to do the letter one night after he got home from school and he didn't want to because he was wore out... what did I do? Cry. Because that was one more day that was holding me back. What did I do when I couldn't find the doctors office to go to my 3 hour class, and had to call them and they told me it was too late and I'd have to reschedule? Cried.... right there at the payphone in a gas station parking lot. What did I do when Dr. Walfish told me I would have to RETAKE my psych eval?? Cry... because that was another week that would be holding me up from getting things submitted. What did I do when I had to reschedule my nutritionist appt because my fucking car was messed up and I couldn't afford to miss the time from work? Cry.

So many emotions are tied into this surgery. No one.... NO ONE (except other people in my shoes) understand what I'm going through.... what an emotional mess I am. And in the mix I'm expected to quit smoking, quit eating foods I love, quit drinking caffeine, quit drinking soda.... completely change my life. I'm fine with all of the life changes, but holy shit if one more thing holds me back from having this surgery I just might lose it. I am not an emotional person... but I want this so friggin bad. I have spent 5 years overweight, two morbidly obese. I have tried to lose weight more times than I can count and the weight just DOES NOT budge. I feel hopeless, helpless, and desperate. It's like a drug addict who wants to recover so badly but just can't get the help they need. I want to lose this weight. I fucking hate it. I hate the way I look. I have never been so fat in my whole fucking life. I'm sick of not having clothes that fit right. I'm sick of being ostrasized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of not being physically able to do things I used to could do. I'm just SO FUCKING OVER IT.

Sorry for the language.... but this is the cold hard truth of the matter.... the ugly, if you will.

I thought I was only a few weeks away from being banded..... now I'm back at being a few months away.

I'm done bitching now............... well, here, at least.

The life of a college student's wife.....

This is all such a very emotional process for me. I’m letting go of one part of my life and opening an entirely new part. A new chapter. I’m becoming a completely different person. I’ve been very emotional lately. Very emotional. Not a cry baby, just lots of inter-personal thinking and getting in touch with ME.

Just to release a little negative energy, I’m going to express something here that I usually keep my mouth shut about. My husband is a college student. He’ll be taking his LAST class next summer. I can’t friggin wait. Being the wife of a college student it much harder than it sounds on so many levels. It’s more than just having to pick up all of the household responsibilities. It’s having to basically be completely independent from him. Right now, he has a tremendous burden to bear. This has not been easy for him either. It’s not like he is perfectly satisfied with his life either. He doesn’t get to spend time with his daughter and wife, he has a lot of pressure on him to make good grades, and all the while he still has to work full time and somewhere in the mix try to squeeze in family time. It is NOT easy for either of us. Our routine for the last… oh… three years… has been fine. I’ve been a “big girl” and a good wife and just done what needs to be done, kept my emotional baggage to myself (as to not put more on his back), kept my mouth shut when I really just wanted to explode, dealt with not having as much (or sometimes any) attention, found other ways and things to divert my attention (ahem, sewing like it’s going out of style), other things that give me personal satisfaction (and I’m not talking about masturbation lol). I’ve learned to deal with things on my own. I’ve learned to fix things. It’s basically like I have a part time husband. I don’t blame him, I am not mad at him, I am not jealous. But God I can’t wait for him to be DONE. It’s fucking HARD. Especially lately.

I have all of this emotional stuff going on in my head, and no one to let it all out to. No one understands me like he does. I can’t talk to anyone else in the world the way I can talk to him. But trying to find time to actually TALK is hard. I need his support. I need him to be there for me. But he has other obligations that often have to come first. My issues are, unfortunately, lower on the priority list… and not because he wants them to be or because he thinks little of them…. but because there simply is no other option. I asked that he come with me to one… ANY one… of my pre op appointments. There are like 50 of them. He couldn’t come to any of them. We’ve intended to sit down and write our letters of understanding together for weeks, and yet here it is the last thing I have to complete before everything is submitted to my insurance company. I have had to reschedule appointments 3-4 times for having to arrange everything on when I can get a babysitter, because he is too tied up with school and work to pick our daughter up from school. I wanted him to come with me to the seminar…. He couldn’t.

My point is this…. Right now, I technically have a support partner, but not really. And I am not even mad at him for it. I just wish I had someone.

God…. Being the wife to a college student sucks. I’ve been planning on going to college Fall 2009…. I decided I’m not going to go until later. I want to live a normal life for a little while. I want things to go back to the way they used to be.

Being realistic

1) Quitting caffiene cold turkey... not such a good idea. I didn't quit smoking cold turkey, and I'm sure not going to be able to quit caffiene cold turkey. That was a stupid move. The last 24 hours has been hell. I had a headache like you wouldn't believe yesterday... borderline migrane. I took some advil and drank a big coke and felt FAB in like 20 minutes. Then I felt like crap because I failed. New approach - do it like I did smokes... cut back little by little. Goal today - drink my AM joe, have sprite with lunch (carbonated beverages are next on the chopping block), and MAYBE a splash of afternoon coffee.

Now it's time to be real with myself. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism (slow/underactive thyroid). I need to make it clear to myself that the weight may fall right off for some people, but for me it most likely won't. I'm still going to have to work super hard.

And another thing.... Starting my personal (not doctor required) pre-op diet has been super hard because all I can think about is the fact that pretty soon I won't be able to eat the way I do now. It feels like a burden. And it's hard to do because I feel like it's pointless because I don't think I'll lose. That's the shameful thought that rests in the back of my mind... I CANT lose alone.

Just a side note.... all of these appointments are KILLING me! It's like 1786 doctor appointments crammed into a month period. I had my consult last Monday the 8th, the Thursday before then I had the 3 hour class, today I have part 1 of the psych eval, tomorrow I have part 2 of the psych eval, next week I go to the dietician, then at some point I'll have the pre op exam then SURGERY!

I feel like there is so much I need to know and so much I don't know, despite the fact that I have done so much research.

I've been super addicted to watching... well, listening to... youtube videos lately. Very helpful. So far my faves are thebandinme and hholly112002.

Adios caffiene!

Today is the day.

I'm quitting caffiene for good. Wow, those are strong words. This isn't to say that on the rare occasion I might have a little.... but for now, it's goodbye.

Goodbye Starbucks....

Goodbye Coca Cola... my biggest addiction...

We didn't even get a proper good-bye. Gone are the days of the $5 AM caffiene fix, the afternoon cup o' joe, and chugging back a frosty can of the bubbly sugar concouction they call Coca Cola.

Adios.... Good riddiance....

Going public is harder than I thought

I guess I wasn't quite prepared for the people who say things like "Well, can't you just cut your portions back and exercise?" and "Have you ever tried diet pills or phentermine?"

I just encountered my first one. It burns a little more than I expected. I'm still not sure how to deal with it without being overly defensive. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to be flat out open with everyone. I know word will spread around my office like wild fire if I tell many more people. I'm just not sure how I feel about people judging and questioning me and my decisions. I want to be open because there are a lot of people who are interested and who know where I'm coming from... plus I want as many supporters I can get... but is it worth having to deal with people judging me on a daily basis? I'm not going to go from person to person explaining my reasoning, health problems, and diet history.

Just in case the person I'm talking about sees or hears about this, I'm not mad. I'm offended, but not mad.

So now I'm questioning my own judgement. Not about getting banded, but whether or not I should be honest. I talked to someone (about whether or not I should be open about it) I look up to and hold as a mentor, someone who knows my story and struggle, someone whose advice I take to heart. She gave me some great advice. I feel better, but I'm still not sure what to do.