Manic

I don't think I'm bipolar in the traditional sense, but I do have manic and depressive phases. I'm usually normal, but sometimes I can go either way. Lately I've been manic. I've been tired and going to bed right on time for several weeks... excessively tired, couldn't keep up with housework, didn't feel like doing anything. Now I'm a bit manic. Everything is clean at home (for a change), I'm staying up waaay later than someone who has to get up at 5:30 ever should. But when I get up in the morning, I'm not tired. I feel jittery.

I guess this is my body preparing for surgery.

I closed my etsy shop so I can completely focus on surgery and Kaytlin's birthday party prep. I have so much to do to prepare for both.

Tomorrow I get to redo my psych eval. Yay... not.

I'm going to start vlogging on youtube. I've really enjoyed watching other people's vlogs, they've been super duper helpful. Who knows, maybe my vlogs will be helpful to others in my situation too. It's different than reading what someone has to say. Watching them, seeing and hearing the emotion on their face and in their voice.

I was working on my OH (www.obesityhelp.com) profile and I came to the personal interest section... you pick your interests from a drop down box and write a description in the box next to it. I came to the 'recreation' section... long list. I don't do any of those things, but I'd like to do a lot of them! So... for the first time in this blog, I'm going to use a very tired, worn out phrase... "When I get thin" I'm going to go kayaking (did it when I was in high school once), ice skating (never done), jet skiing (did it in high school), climb stone mountain without stopping, go snow skiing (never have), and water ski or wakeboard behind a boat (I've tried to wakeboard a zillion times in high school but NEVER could get my ass vertical, and I was pretty fit back then!).

Post-op shopping list:
Gasx strips
heating pad
protein powder
sugar free popsicles
baggy clothing
small pillow for desk
food scale
weight scale (because mine sucks!)
Rapid blast tylenol (liquid)
Broth
Calcium citrate petits supplement
High potency multi vitamin
mylanta
little take and toss kiddie cups (4oz)
soup at hand
jello
pudding
yogurt
salt substitute (sea salt?)

I made myself watch a youtube video of someone getting a fill. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0AY6Ot_pdU&NR=1

I should watch a video of the actual surgery but I don't know if I can handle that.

Until next time blogland....

I'm usually nice... But sometimes I gotta let out the ugly...

But I would like to take a moment to flick a bird to every skinny person who judges obese people.

Sometimes I want to flick a bird to people who say stupid stuff like "You know, you could walk around the block every night and eat less instead of surgery." But then I try to remember that they are ignorant. Not stupid, but ignorant. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what it's like to experience the things obese people go through. The only people who truly know are those that have been through the hell that is obesity.

Oh, and uuh... Judging? That's bad. No matter what. If you don't even know someone, how dare you judge them. I'm no angel, but I'll be damned if I've ever walked through the mall and judged a random person. Maybe when I was 15, but as an adult I realize that people are just people, why make it harder for them? Why make there problem worse by laughing, pointing, making fun of them, making rude comments, looking at them in disgust? Do people seriously have this deep dire need to feel superior in some way? To feel more perfect than others? Well, guess what.... people like that are insecure. People who have nothing better to do than talk smack about other people, particularly people they don't even know, should really consider GETTING A LIFE.

And to anyone who thinks a morbidly obese person could just up and magically lose weight and it be so friggin easy... yeah, right. You give it a try. It's friggin hard.... especially when you've tried a ZILLION times. For some people, weight loss isn't as simple as a healthy diet and exercise. I don't know why, but for a lot of obese people (including myself), weight loss is practically impossible no matter what efforts are taken. Sure, that first 10-15 pounds comes off... 7 of which is water weight, the rest is the colon flushing itself out. After that, next to nothing. It's like all of the efforts are in vain.

You never know if someone has an illness that's causing their health problem. You can't see PCOS, thyroid problems, fibromyalgia (I know I misspelled that), rheumatoid arthritis, etc etc etc..... you really don't know.

So, if you're one of these people.... shut your mouth.

Here's a video for you.... Very interesting. Very well said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FMsnDQ4szI
I can't figure out how to imbed it, so click the link will ya?

Being realistic

1) Quitting caffiene cold turkey... not such a good idea. I didn't quit smoking cold turkey, and I'm sure not going to be able to quit caffiene cold turkey. That was a stupid move. The last 24 hours has been hell. I had a headache like you wouldn't believe yesterday... borderline migrane. I took some advil and drank a big coke and felt FAB in like 20 minutes. Then I felt like crap because I failed. New approach - do it like I did smokes... cut back little by little. Goal today - drink my AM joe, have sprite with lunch (carbonated beverages are next on the chopping block), and MAYBE a splash of afternoon coffee.

Now it's time to be real with myself. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism (slow/underactive thyroid). I need to make it clear to myself that the weight may fall right off for some people, but for me it most likely won't. I'm still going to have to work super hard.

And another thing.... Starting my personal (not doctor required) pre-op diet has been super hard because all I can think about is the fact that pretty soon I won't be able to eat the way I do now. It feels like a burden. And it's hard to do because I feel like it's pointless because I don't think I'll lose. That's the shameful thought that rests in the back of my mind... I CANT lose alone.

Just a side note.... all of these appointments are KILLING me! It's like 1786 doctor appointments crammed into a month period. I had my consult last Monday the 8th, the Thursday before then I had the 3 hour class, today I have part 1 of the psych eval, tomorrow I have part 2 of the psych eval, next week I go to the dietician, then at some point I'll have the pre op exam then SURGERY!

I feel like there is so much I need to know and so much I don't know, despite the fact that I have done so much research.

I've been super addicted to watching... well, listening to... youtube videos lately. Very helpful. So far my faves are thebandinme and hholly112002.

Adios caffiene!

Today is the day.

I'm quitting caffiene for good. Wow, those are strong words. This isn't to say that on the rare occasion I might have a little.... but for now, it's goodbye.

Goodbye Starbucks....

Goodbye Coca Cola... my biggest addiction...

We didn't even get a proper good-bye. Gone are the days of the $5 AM caffiene fix, the afternoon cup o' joe, and chugging back a frosty can of the bubbly sugar concouction they call Coca Cola.

Adios.... Good riddiance....

Consult

Here's everything I have left to do before surgery: psych eval, dietician appt, Matt and I have to write our 'Letters of Understanding', and then everything has to be sent to insurance for prior authorization.

The consult went well. I didn't really hear anything I didn't already know from either research or the 3 hour class I took last Thursday. He confirmed that yes I do have to stop drinking carbonated beverages (even diet ones), I do need to cut out caffiene, and I will not be able to drink with meals. Those are the three things that will be super hard to change. I'm going to start working on them now, along with a pre-op diet. I'll likely lose 10-20 lbs in the liquid pre op diet phase, so my goal is to lose 20 total pre op, starting now (well, tomorrow, I need groceries first lol).

I don't think it'll take long to get in for my psych eval/dietician appointment. I'll hopefully be able to start my 2 week liquid diet before everything gets sent to insurance, so I'll be able to get my surgery scheduled sooner... but honestly I'm in no rush. I really want to get it done and all, but I'm not in that big of a hurry. What's waiting another week or two going to hurt? I honestly think they probably won't start me on my 2wk pre op diet until after insurance gives approval, and they'll schedule my surgery for 2 weeks after that.

So hypothetically.... if I get my appointments knocked out in the next 2 weeks, I could be having surgery in just over 4 weeks (insurance already said it takes them about 2 business days to approve).

This week's objectives: Get appointments made, letters written, and start diet! I'll be using the sparkpeople.com plan. I've used it before and IMO it's the best. It's super healthy.

Going public is harder than I thought

I guess I wasn't quite prepared for the people who say things like "Well, can't you just cut your portions back and exercise?" and "Have you ever tried diet pills or phentermine?"

I just encountered my first one. It burns a little more than I expected. I'm still not sure how to deal with it without being overly defensive. At this point, I'm not even sure if I want to be flat out open with everyone. I know word will spread around my office like wild fire if I tell many more people. I'm just not sure how I feel about people judging and questioning me and my decisions. I want to be open because there are a lot of people who are interested and who know where I'm coming from... plus I want as many supporters I can get... but is it worth having to deal with people judging me on a daily basis? I'm not going to go from person to person explaining my reasoning, health problems, and diet history.

Just in case the person I'm talking about sees or hears about this, I'm not mad. I'm offended, but not mad.

So now I'm questioning my own judgement. Not about getting banded, but whether or not I should be honest. I talked to someone (about whether or not I should be open about it) I look up to and hold as a mentor, someone who knows my story and struggle, someone whose advice I take to heart. She gave me some great advice. I feel better, but I'm still not sure what to do.

3 Hour Class

I went in for my three hour class today. Very informative. I received a three ring binder filled with stuff I need to read. I also found out that not only will I need to stop drinking sodas (which I already kinda figured... even diet soda), I'll have to cut caffiene out completely. Yay... not.

I go in for my consult Monday the 8th. I'm calling to schedule my dietician appointment today and I'll get my appointment for the psych when I go in on Monday for the consult. Things are really starting gain momentum. I was pleased to find out that I will not have to suffer through another miserable sleep study. YAY!

They took my 'before' picture. Had I known it was picture day I would have done something with my hair lol.