Emotions

A lot of emotions are coming through today. Since I don't get periods I can't really blame it on being menstural. I've been thinking a lot about what's going to happen to me mentally. I know that I have some control issues, and thanks to the psych I now know I'm "borderline" bipolar (we'll blame the "borderline" part on the fact that yeah, I did lie on the test the second time... not as much but some). I get obsessive about things. I'm not as honest as one would hope when it comes to admitting my faults to others (doctors in particular, hence why I had to retake my psych eval). I over or under exaggerate things.... often without even realizing it without someone really pointing it out to me. I'm just afraid of what might happen to me. What if I spiral into anorexia? Their are a million what-ifs, some much to personal to admit to. I want to find something to help me deal with these things... something to mentally prepare me more for the changes that are going to take place. I just don't know where to start. I don't know what to look for.

Anyone want to offer up some advice?

Youtube surgery day vids

Anyone who watches lap band vlogs has heard of thebandinme. These are her pre and post surgery day videos. They were super helpful in providing me with an idea of what to expect.

Pre Surgery
Before leaving http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJO7qpc9Fhs
Before Leaving http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kEx3OlNV-k
Breakfast http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePlqepkYNbw
@ Hospital Signing papers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PdY7W3aC48
@ Hosp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SMwDMnXcX8
@ hosp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HliGW64AMS4
@ hosp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrpMASLQLBU
@ hosp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUVcOU0mxVQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7fgkVrURTs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBOHsnyuK5M

Post Surgery
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzJO48j9-_8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCxfiMZcpag
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mi3OuVd1uA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gCpaaDIAuE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kQz2ybD74w

Body pain

I know I already posted once today... but I'm just feeling like shit and want to document it. It's kindof hard to admit, because people I know read this, but oh well.

One of the things I will be SOOO glad to be rid of is body pain. Weight HURTS. It's not just a matter of how I look, my self esteem, etc.... I friggin hurt. Right now my back hurts, my front lower rib area hurts, and one of my shoulders hurt from being slept on funky. I'm not usually in this much pain, but the rib thing and the back thing happen often. I can't wait until I won't have to deal with this on a regular basis.

The 'pictures' tab seems to be clicked a lot... so I figured I'd throw in a few more...

Mothers day 2006 (after I successfully lost about 20 pounds)

Vacation 2006

New years 2006-into 2007 (that was a fun night)

See how the cheeks got bigger and bigger as the year progressed?

Ugh...

Quitting caffeine is ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!!!!! I went to the nutritionist yesterday, it was pretty much her going over all of the nutrition info the doc gave me in my big lap band user manual. I nearly fell asleep while she was going over everything, and it was just the two of us in the office! I was embarassed, but I couldn't help it. I had already read everything in the manual. Last night I went to bed at 8:30 because I was so tired. I felt like pure CRAP. I mean I felt like I was trying to quit crack or something. I felt shaky but wasn't actually shaking. I had a headache ALL DAY yesterday. I was so friggin tired. Today has been a bit better. I guess it's because I got so much sleep last night. But, ya know, even though I went to bed nearly 3 hours earlier than I usually do, I still had trouble getting out of bed this morning... and I still nodded off at the wheel a couple of times.

So.... the nutritionist... just writing this part for those who are going through the hoops of lap band pre op... my doc gave me a big binder full of info when I went to my 3 hour class. It contained the entire meal plan and tons of eating info. I read all of it within a couple of days after the class. She basically read everything in her section of the manual, elaborated on a few things, and answered my questions. It took about an hour.

I'm kindof irritated right now because things are stalling. I have two things left to do before they will submit to insurance... go to a meeting (one of the post op group meetings), and submit mine and my husbands "letters of understanding"... which is basically a letter covering 6-7 different bullet points making sure we understand everything. I am kicking myself in the head for not going to a meeting already. They have them every Tuesday and every other Saturday. There is no good reason why I haven't gone already. NOW I can't go until 10/7 because K's (my daughter) birthday is the 30th (a tuesday) and her party is the 4th (the following Saturday). They don't have a meeting this Saturday. So yeah... now because of my stalling I have tacked on another week and a half to the wait time. URGH!!!!! I originally wanted to have surgery on 10/16, now it looks like it might be the week after that, or possibly the day before Halloween. Great. But I've thought it over and I'd rather do it then than wait. Hopefully I'll at least be able to get it done the week BEFORE Halloween because one of my BFFs is having an awesome party the weekend after Halloween and I don't want to miss it! On second thought..... if I can't do it on the 23rd, I'll just wait til the week after Halloween. I really don't want to miss taking K trick or treating, and I don't want to miss the party!

I kinda knew all along

Soooooooo....



I went back this morning to retake my psych eval. Here are a few highlights:

1) I don't have to retake it for a third time;

2) The interview portion was about an hour long.

3) The doc approved me and said he would submit his report to the band doc within two weeks but probably much sooner than that.

4) The 370 question book test showed that I'm very stubborn.

5) It also showed that I'm borderline bipolar. And with weight loss comes an increased level of energy and therefore an increased chance of more manic episodes. Remember my last post, how I said I was feeling manic?

Manic

I don't think I'm bipolar in the traditional sense, but I do have manic and depressive phases. I'm usually normal, but sometimes I can go either way. Lately I've been manic. I've been tired and going to bed right on time for several weeks... excessively tired, couldn't keep up with housework, didn't feel like doing anything. Now I'm a bit manic. Everything is clean at home (for a change), I'm staying up waaay later than someone who has to get up at 5:30 ever should. But when I get up in the morning, I'm not tired. I feel jittery.

I guess this is my body preparing for surgery.

I closed my etsy shop so I can completely focus on surgery and Kaytlin's birthday party prep. I have so much to do to prepare for both.

Tomorrow I get to redo my psych eval. Yay... not.

I'm going to start vlogging on youtube. I've really enjoyed watching other people's vlogs, they've been super duper helpful. Who knows, maybe my vlogs will be helpful to others in my situation too. It's different than reading what someone has to say. Watching them, seeing and hearing the emotion on their face and in their voice.

I was working on my OH (www.obesityhelp.com) profile and I came to the personal interest section... you pick your interests from a drop down box and write a description in the box next to it. I came to the 'recreation' section... long list. I don't do any of those things, but I'd like to do a lot of them! So... for the first time in this blog, I'm going to use a very tired, worn out phrase... "When I get thin" I'm going to go kayaking (did it when I was in high school once), ice skating (never done), jet skiing (did it in high school), climb stone mountain without stopping, go snow skiing (never have), and water ski or wakeboard behind a boat (I've tried to wakeboard a zillion times in high school but NEVER could get my ass vertical, and I was pretty fit back then!).

Post-op shopping list:
Gasx strips
heating pad
protein powder
sugar free popsicles
baggy clothing
small pillow for desk
food scale
weight scale (because mine sucks!)
Rapid blast tylenol (liquid)
Broth
Calcium citrate petits supplement
High potency multi vitamin
mylanta
little take and toss kiddie cups (4oz)
soup at hand
jello
pudding
yogurt
salt substitute (sea salt?)

I made myself watch a youtube video of someone getting a fill. Here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0AY6Ot_pdU&NR=1

I should watch a video of the actual surgery but I don't know if I can handle that.

Until next time blogland....

I'm usually nice... But sometimes I gotta let out the ugly...

But I would like to take a moment to flick a bird to every skinny person who judges obese people.

Sometimes I want to flick a bird to people who say stupid stuff like "You know, you could walk around the block every night and eat less instead of surgery." But then I try to remember that they are ignorant. Not stupid, but ignorant. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know what it's like to experience the things obese people go through. The only people who truly know are those that have been through the hell that is obesity.

Oh, and uuh... Judging? That's bad. No matter what. If you don't even know someone, how dare you judge them. I'm no angel, but I'll be damned if I've ever walked through the mall and judged a random person. Maybe when I was 15, but as an adult I realize that people are just people, why make it harder for them? Why make there problem worse by laughing, pointing, making fun of them, making rude comments, looking at them in disgust? Do people seriously have this deep dire need to feel superior in some way? To feel more perfect than others? Well, guess what.... people like that are insecure. People who have nothing better to do than talk smack about other people, particularly people they don't even know, should really consider GETTING A LIFE.

And to anyone who thinks a morbidly obese person could just up and magically lose weight and it be so friggin easy... yeah, right. You give it a try. It's friggin hard.... especially when you've tried a ZILLION times. For some people, weight loss isn't as simple as a healthy diet and exercise. I don't know why, but for a lot of obese people (including myself), weight loss is practically impossible no matter what efforts are taken. Sure, that first 10-15 pounds comes off... 7 of which is water weight, the rest is the colon flushing itself out. After that, next to nothing. It's like all of the efforts are in vain.

You never know if someone has an illness that's causing their health problem. You can't see PCOS, thyroid problems, fibromyalgia (I know I misspelled that), rheumatoid arthritis, etc etc etc..... you really don't know.

So, if you're one of these people.... shut your mouth.

Here's a video for you.... Very interesting. Very well said.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FMsnDQ4szI
I can't figure out how to imbed it, so click the link will ya?