Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The life of a college student's wife.....

This is all such a very emotional process for me. I’m letting go of one part of my life and opening an entirely new part. A new chapter. I’m becoming a completely different person. I’ve been very emotional lately. Very emotional. Not a cry baby, just lots of inter-personal thinking and getting in touch with ME.

Just to release a little negative energy, I’m going to express something here that I usually keep my mouth shut about. My husband is a college student. He’ll be taking his LAST class next summer. I can’t friggin wait. Being the wife of a college student it much harder than it sounds on so many levels. It’s more than just having to pick up all of the household responsibilities. It’s having to basically be completely independent from him. Right now, he has a tremendous burden to bear. This has not been easy for him either. It’s not like he is perfectly satisfied with his life either. He doesn’t get to spend time with his daughter and wife, he has a lot of pressure on him to make good grades, and all the while he still has to work full time and somewhere in the mix try to squeeze in family time. It is NOT easy for either of us. Our routine for the last… oh… three years… has been fine. I’ve been a “big girl” and a good wife and just done what needs to be done, kept my emotional baggage to myself (as to not put more on his back), kept my mouth shut when I really just wanted to explode, dealt with not having as much (or sometimes any) attention, found other ways and things to divert my attention (ahem, sewing like it’s going out of style), other things that give me personal satisfaction (and I’m not talking about masturbation lol). I’ve learned to deal with things on my own. I’ve learned to fix things. It’s basically like I have a part time husband. I don’t blame him, I am not mad at him, I am not jealous. But God I can’t wait for him to be DONE. It’s fucking HARD. Especially lately.

I have all of this emotional stuff going on in my head, and no one to let it all out to. No one understands me like he does. I can’t talk to anyone else in the world the way I can talk to him. But trying to find time to actually TALK is hard. I need his support. I need him to be there for me. But he has other obligations that often have to come first. My issues are, unfortunately, lower on the priority list… and not because he wants them to be or because he thinks little of them…. but because there simply is no other option. I asked that he come with me to one… ANY one… of my pre op appointments. There are like 50 of them. He couldn’t come to any of them. We’ve intended to sit down and write our letters of understanding together for weeks, and yet here it is the last thing I have to complete before everything is submitted to my insurance company. I have had to reschedule appointments 3-4 times for having to arrange everything on when I can get a babysitter, because he is too tied up with school and work to pick our daughter up from school. I wanted him to come with me to the seminar…. He couldn’t.

My point is this…. Right now, I technically have a support partner, but not really. And I am not even mad at him for it. I just wish I had someone.

God…. Being the wife to a college student sucks. I’ve been planning on going to college Fall 2009…. I decided I’m not going to go until later. I want to live a normal life for a little while. I want things to go back to the way they used to be.

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