The screeching halt....

Things have had such momentum lately, it seems like. Until today when my whole journey came to a temporary screeching halt. I'll copy and paste my gripe from the LBT forums to save time...

I know no one really wants to hear a cry baby, but I need to vent.

So, in the beginning when I was filling out my 800 page application (after the seminar) one of the requirements was to call my insurance and get my benefits details.

Apparently I spoke with the village idiot. She told me that my bariatric deductible was $1,500 and I was responsible for 20% of everything after that UP TO my $2,000 annual MAX out of pocket. So.... here I've been thinking I only needed $2,000 for months now.

Well things are getting close to wrapping up and I was talking to one of the nurses at the surgeons office, just making sure I understood the financial part completely. She said that didn't sound right and it looked like my expense was going to be $3,500. The $2,000 was ONLY for my 20% and the $1,500 would be ON TOP OF that amount... so $3,500 total.

I just called to verify and she's right.

Holy effin cow. It just seems like one thing after another, as if God just really doesn't want me to have this surgery. I was SO FRIGGIN CLOSE. Everything was about to be submitted (and will still be submitted) and I would have a date soon! Now I have to magically come up with another $1,500!!! Not flippin possible.

I applied for financing.... got denied.

It'll just have to wait EVEN LONGER. My hubby gets a student loan check in late Dec/Early Jan and we'll use that.... but no one seems to understand how it feels to have to wait EVEN LONGER!!! I've been working on this crap since JULY!! I started researching in MARCH and decided to start looking at doctors in JUNE!!! So I've already been hoping and dreaming for so flippin long. Now I have to wait even longer.

I seriously just want to go home from work right now. I've been crying half the morning. No one understands how emotional this whole process is... or the sense of desperation and feeling of hopelessness.

Soooooo.....

This really friggin sucks. I know I'll be able to get the money, but surgery will have to be put off 'til January. I am not one to borrow money from people, EVER, or take "donations".... but there are a few people I might want to take up on there offers at this point. I'm just disgusted, hurt, angry, sad...... I really just want to go home and sulk. I've been crying for about an hour now.... in my cubicle... how embarassing. I can't help it. I've talked to my mom and hubby, and both times I just balled. This whole process has been so fucking emotional. I am not a big cry baby. I rarely cry. But God, I've never cried so much in a 3 month period in my life. Three months.... that's how long I've really been digging into the process. Usually it takes people three months from the time they go to the seminar to the time they have surgery. Me? No.

Every time I turn around something is going wrong. Hubby and I took forever to write our stupid letters of understanding because neither of us ever have time to sit down and do anything together. I had to reschedule so friggin many doctors appointments. I wanted to do the letter one night after he got home from school and he didn't want to because he was wore out... what did I do? Cry. Because that was one more day that was holding me back. What did I do when I couldn't find the doctors office to go to my 3 hour class, and had to call them and they told me it was too late and I'd have to reschedule? Cried.... right there at the payphone in a gas station parking lot. What did I do when Dr. Walfish told me I would have to RETAKE my psych eval?? Cry... because that was another week that would be holding me up from getting things submitted. What did I do when I had to reschedule my nutritionist appt because my fucking car was messed up and I couldn't afford to miss the time from work? Cry.

So many emotions are tied into this surgery. No one.... NO ONE (except other people in my shoes) understand what I'm going through.... what an emotional mess I am. And in the mix I'm expected to quit smoking, quit eating foods I love, quit drinking caffeine, quit drinking soda.... completely change my life. I'm fine with all of the life changes, but holy shit if one more thing holds me back from having this surgery I just might lose it. I am not an emotional person... but I want this so friggin bad. I have spent 5 years overweight, two morbidly obese. I have tried to lose weight more times than I can count and the weight just DOES NOT budge. I feel hopeless, helpless, and desperate. It's like a drug addict who wants to recover so badly but just can't get the help they need. I want to lose this weight. I fucking hate it. I hate the way I look. I have never been so fat in my whole fucking life. I'm sick of not having clothes that fit right. I'm sick of being ostrasized. I'm sick of being judged. I'm sick of not being physically able to do things I used to could do. I'm just SO FUCKING OVER IT.

Sorry for the language.... but this is the cold hard truth of the matter.... the ugly, if you will.

I thought I was only a few weeks away from being banded..... now I'm back at being a few months away.

I'm done bitching now............... well, here, at least.